Nice Guys and Sexual Shame

(from NMMMG, Chapter 8)

The difficulty Nice Guys have with sex can be directly linked to two issues: shame and fear. All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings. In my experience, this is probably the most difficult concept for Nice Guys to understand and accept about themselves. This is so important I will say it again : All Nice Guys have shame and fear about being sexual and about being sexual beings.

If you could peel back a Nice Guy's brain and find the part of the unconscious mind that controls sex, here is what you would find:

  • Memories of childhood experiences that made him feel like he was bad.

  • The pain of not getting his needs met in a timely, healthy manner.

  • The effects of growing up with sexually wounded parents.

  • The sexual distortions and illusions of a really screwed up society.

  • The absence of accurate sexual information when it was needed.

  • The sexual guilt and shame associated with centuries of religious influence.

  • The effects of covert sexual bonds created by his mother.

  • The trauma of sexual violations.

  • The memories of early sexual experiences wrapped in secrecy. The distorted and unrealistic images of bodies and sex in pornography.

  • The shame of hidden, compulsive behaviors.

  • The memories of previous sexual failures or rejections.

Every time a Nice Guy has a sexual feeling or is in a sexual situation, he must negotiate through all of this unconscious baggage. Nice Guys find numerous creative ways to avoid or distract themselves from their sexual shame and fear. Unfortunately, these avoidance and distraction mechanisms prevent Nice Guys from having much of anything that resembles a good sex life. These avoidance and distraction mechanisms include:

  • Avoiding sexual situations and sexual opportunities.

  • Trying to be a good lover.

  • Hiding compulsive sexual behaviors.

  • Repressing their life energy.

  • Settling for bad sex.

Find a safe place to talk about the following issues: Your sexual history: Earliest sexual memory, childhood experiences, sexual violation and trauma, sexual issues in your family, first sexual experience, adult sexual history. Ways in which you have acted out sexually:Affairs, prostitution, peep shows, 900 numbers, use of pornography, exhibitionism, fetishes, etc. Your dark side: Those things that even you have a hard time looking at in yourself — fantasies, rage, offending behavior.