A Woman's Perspective on Nice Guys
(This is a guest post written by a woman on her perspective on what it is like to date a ‘nice guy’.)
I had just gotten out of a short, intense, almost whirlwind relationship and the break up had left me feeling lonely, emotionally gutted and bitter. After dating this sort of ‘bad boy’, I was hurt and left licking my wounds and decided to catch up with an old friend who probably saw through my vulnerability and emotional state. One thing led to another and several dinners later he seemed to be doing everything right to let me know that he was interested in me and wanted to take things further. Given my emotional vulnerability owing to the break up - I thought I craved for something soothing and someone more caring.
At first, I was elated. He was everything that my ex wasn’t and at first glance appeared to fill the gaps that I had begun to recognize as a void. He was sweet, caring, down on one knee and ready to commit at the drop of a hat. He always put my needs above his and I truly believed that I was blessed. The first couple of weeks were exhilarating. I loved being taken care of and having someone constantly check on me. I loved the attention and what looked like emotional investment.
But soon he began to tire me out with an incessant showering of affection that somehow seemed devised to find a way to inch closer to me physically. I believe that all women have strong gut feelings in calling out disingenuous niceness. Underneath all that niceness, I can now confidently say, was manipulation to get me into bed.
His smothering accompanied by a neediness for my responsiveness began to annoy me. His constant texting began to feel like an invasion of space. The agreeableness felt like he had no opinion of his own. His constant need for me to decide and make plans, and not really share what he wanted, made me start losing respect for his lack of constant unassertiveness.
One time he insisted on taking me to a party with his friends and it was clear that he was trying to show me off. This exposed the fact that he saw a relationship as a way to seek validation from the world. He felt validated by me, while I was looking for a leader. Our relationship was a way for him to fill his own lack of self worth.
He was nice for sure, but that was a way to hide how spineless he was and that was the end for me. In the end, what I saw initially as a courteous, agreeable, altruistic, compassionate man who wouldn’t mind being in the wings while his lady takes center stage, was in fact someone who only put up a façade of these qualities, and was soon exposed to be a guy who lacked confidence, was unassertive, not driven, unoriginal, boring, weak and lacking self esteem.
As women we don’t expect our men to be perfect, but we do want them to be striving for greatness in their purpose, whatever that might be. We are willing to stick by their flaws as long as they are honest about them. So make your intentions clear and we will love you for it, or at least respect you way more than the nice guys. And hey, take the lead and make some plans, and ask us to come along.